Okay, normally I've got a bit of a soft spot for lovestruck youth, wandering around in a complete daze for one another. However, with Valentine's Day here again, I am once more reminded of an inescapable annoyance which I seem to be unable to rend forth from the minds of the idiots that I must deal with every day (the human race). For the ninety percent of the human race that I'm addressing, I'm going to get right to the point: YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE.

"But Fiend," whines the 14-year-old girl wearing enough makeup to make a middle-aged New York prostitute cringe, "I do love him! I always think about him and he gives me roses and everything!" Well, I'm sure you both think you're in love, but if you got pregnant at the junior prom and your dad went for his shotgun, that little snot you call a boyfriend would skip town before you could say "Romeo". I don't fucking care if you gave him a handjob in the bathroom stall of a shitty restaurant. Love is about dedication (not obsession, although many people confuse the two), and all you little twats have is raging hormones and a burning desire to seem more mature than you are.

I don't even know if I've been struck by real love. I do know that my carefully deadened emotions went batshit insane over this one girl for a while, and that I would probably have done anything she asked me to just to see her smile, but I'm not sure if that constitutes love or just temporary insanity (I suspect a relationship between the two).

"Well, you're wrong," says the idiotic prostitot smugly. "My heart says I love him." No, your estrogen says you love him, because it is preprogrammed to lie to you at this point in your life so that you will produce babies and perpetuate your genes. I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but the Church, Disney, and every fairy tale ever told are all lying to you. They teach you that if you follow your heart, you will have everything you ever wanted, and everything will be okay. Well, guess what? YOUR HEART IS LYING TO YOU. Your mind does the thinking, your heart does the wanting. Got that, kids?

Now, I do believe in love. I believe it's real and I believe it's wonderful. But I also believe that these blithering simpletons who say "love conquers all" and "love is forever" are very, very stupid. Love is a magnificent and beautiful thing, but that doesn't mean we should assume it's some sort of magical psychic power that can solve the world's ills. I don't care how much you love your wife; if she crashes into a tanker truck, she is going to die. Saying that love is the most powerful force in the world is like saying the Eiffel tower wrote the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

I think I can sum this entire piece up into one sentence:

"Bah, fucking wise-ass kids."